Dear LA,
I am a 60 year old man and I am beside myself. Let me explain.
I have spent years trying to educate Americans on the danger we all face with global warming. That is why I have loaned my influence to companies that can help us beat this terrible problem, big name corporations like GE. These companies stand ready and willing to produce things that can prevent the planet from scorching itself out of existence, causing ice caps to melt, coasts to flood, and turning what is now arable farmland into deserts.
I have tried to warn adults and children that if we want to have a clean and safe world to live in, we must do something now. We must buy things that these companies make, so this horrible scenario does not play out in the next 5-10 years. Sure, I know children have come home crying hysterically after being taught the realities of this crisis. But we have to be truthful to them. We cannot lie to them, or they would never forgive us.
I know, I know. All of this sounds great to you. But here is the crux of my problem.
It turns out that the latest data shows the planet is not warming at all, it is cooling. All continents have been experiencing lower temperatures and the ice cap is actually growing. With all I have invested in this, all that I have banked on and counted on, I am afraid I am now looking foolish and people will not want to believe anything I say.
How can I get people to believe in me again?
Sign me:
Al in Tennessee
Dear Al,
You've already lied your ass off so much, your nose must be as long as the back stretch at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. So, what's another lie or two?
Tell them this:
Since I have been advocating to all about the dangers of global warming, people have responded. They are car pooling more and buying more products from fine companies, like GE (which "makes good things for life"). They are planting trees and demanding that car manufacturers produce cars that get better gas mileage.
Because you (the people) have responded so favorably, we are now seeing the global temperatures decrease for the first time in decades. That is why the polar ice caps are miraculously reappearing.
Good work for now, but we must not stop here. We must continue the fight until there is snow in Florida in the winter and in Chicago, in the summer. This is the only way we can be victorious in our struggle to save the planet from extinction.
Best of luck, hope this helps.
Your friend,
LA
7 comments:
But, what about Manbearpig?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfGmf8L3-z0
That thing is SCARY!
Honestly, this entire issue is simply a matter of perspective. This is mine.
If we assume that Big Al was right all along, and if we concede that the untold wealth he’s collected by scaring the crap out of people (up to the point when they stopped caring about the planet altogether) was an honest and forthright endeavor, it just doesn’t matter.
The fact is that natural forces will evaporate the earth when our sun finally becomes twice its normal size in its last dying million years. Of course, this naturally assumes that a meteor won’t first hit the earth and destroy all human life, or create a massive tsunami that wipes out all inhabited coastal regions, or that a volcanic eruption four times the size of Krakatau won’t accomplish the same thing.
I say the future looks very bleak, all of us will die, and the Mayans were probably correct about the end of time occurring on 21 December 2012. We should be thankful for the entertainment provided by Albert Gore, Jr., because it distracts us from the agony of $4.00/gallon gasoline prices. What I think we should be doing, given all of the factors outlined above, is waste as many of our resources as possible before the ultimate demise of Earth. And let us begin with our nation’s most abundant resource: idiots.
Erick Cartman
South Park Elementary
Manbearpig? Whatever will these people think of next? LOL
Dear Erick,
This is just the kind of vicious sarcasm that we as a planet simply do not need. Here, I have beared my soul to LA and he has kindly and compassionately given me some sage advice that will prove invaluable, in my next global warming speech.
Unlike you and your kind, LA understands when people are hurting, perplexed, and confused. He gives of himself, most heartily and altruistically. He has helped our good friends Hamas with a difficult quandary they recently found themselves in, after Syria stabbed them in the back, when they were not looking. And now he is reaching out to help his brother in a moment of crisis.
I would say that you could learn much from LA, as he is a bright shining city sitting high upon a hill to all that have come to him, with grief and despair.
Al in Tennessee
Hi Al,
I am a 52 year old and I can tell you one thing. Be pragmatic about the broader things in life and keep your battles short.
I will say though that we NEED to be "Green" anyway. So keep up any preservative fights you have. I, myself, cringe thinking about 83 million barrels a day being sucked out of the Earth, yet we use so much of it for making all sorts of plastics that are replacing wood and glass items. People should not be buying these products that don't deteriorate like wood or can't be washed as glass products "used" to be.
I'm sorry. I got away from myself. I was about to go into a tirade about such things, but like I said, keep your battles short.
Thanks Al.
Mike
Is this a group therapy blog?
Sigmund
Dear Sigmund,
I like to think of it as partly research and partly a support group. BS artists, helping other BS artists, to give up the BS once and for all is the goal. And then gathering data for analysis, later on.
Obviously from what you may gather, we are not there yet. Check back in 5 years, this may turn out to be a longitudinal study.
Your friend,
LA
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