Well folks, the card and letters have been piling up lately, as I have not been able to keep up with them. So, it's time to dig one out and help another poor lost soul, who desperately needs guidance to see the obvious. Here's one I found:
Dear LA,
I am in so much trouble. So much so that I am beginning to think, I am the only one who is going through this kind of a crisis. Believe me, I don't really know just how it got to this point. But this is where I am at, so you have to help me because I have nowhere else to turn.
I wrote Mustang once, but he was very mean to me. He told me to "man up" and "stop being such a little whimp". He also said things like "you made your @#$%&*!! bed now you can @#$%&*!!! lay in it". And if that wasn't hurtful enough, he then said something about PTing me until I drop. I don't think he was very helpful.
Anyway, I know you are a man that is kind, altruistic, and compassionate. Your reputation in helping people is stellar and I have the utmost confidence, in your ability to counsel people who have nowhere else to turn. So, here's my problem.
I was working for a hedge fund that has done some questionable things and lately has come under some serious scrutiny, for cooking the books (a little). To top it off, I cheated on my taxes (a little) and have started to get notices from the IRS, wanting to meet with me for an audit.
It all seems like it's all caving in on me, right now. None of this is my fault, so what am I supposed to do? How can I face my wife and children? My parents? My siblings? Will it ever end? What should I do?
Thank you in advance,
Bob In NY.
Dear Bob,
Relax.
Turn yourself in to the SEC and the IRS. They both will cut you a deal.
While this ongoing, submit your application to the Treasury Department. You are well-qualified for a position there. And remember, wives and kids just love a "government man".
Best wishes,
LA
14 comments:
He'll have to undergo a lobotomy first but they use anasthesia so it's not bad (at least you don't think it is).
Dear Bob, I know you didn't ask me for help, but your gonna hear it anyway. Blow the whistle on your bosses, then sell your story to the media, highest bidder of course, then use the money to settle with the IRS!
Mr. L. A. Sunsett
Sunsett Enterprises, Inc.,
A personal advocacy partnership666 Left Coast Highway,
San Francisco, California
Dear Mr. Sunsett
It was with grave concern that we noted your recent advice to “Bob in NY.” As you know, the various agencies and branches of the United States government do not seek the ire of the American press. Should Bob have taken your advice, the mainstream press would descend upon our several agencies, which include the SEC and IRS, causing further embarrassment to the president, his advisors, consultants, constituents, and of course, George Soros. Admittedly, the only media news organization that might have thereafter posed embarrassing questions is the Fox News Channel, but I think you understand our intent.
The proper advice to Bob would have been to keep his stupid mouth shut about any and all of his past transgressions, find solace in his untold wealth, and if anything at all, direct him to a feel good clinic in the greater Northern California region (where we assume you currently live); a place where he could receive treatment and assistance learning to ignore his conscience.
We do not dispute your claim that the SEC and IRS would, as you say, “cut a deal.” We only seek to limit “collateral damage” to our president, his advisors, consultants, and of course, George Soros, a major contributor to our social … er, Democratic efforts.
In the future, we hope you will think carefully before rendering advice to namby-pamby conscience-struck do-gooders. It is either your willingness to do that, or a spate of government audits that will make your head spin. With every hope that our message is crystal-clear, we remain …
Sincerely yours,
The Obama Administration
Dear Obama Administration
I have accumulated a wealth of information you may find useful in your investigation and/or punitive measures. These voluminous files are not free, however. Please contact my attorneys, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, if you are interested in trading what I know for a nice slice of the United States Treasury.
Also, AC, Greg, and Eric may be interested in trading information for cash. All of us have an axe to grind, but only if the price is right.
I cannot speak for the others, of course ... but I can say this would not be necessary had Sunset purchased these files from me several months ago. I have had to learn my lessons the hard way; now I understand this is what happens whenever you try to negotiate with a cheap bastard.
Dear Bob,
Man-up and start running, you spineless twerp.
//He'll have to undergo a lobotomy first//
What do you want to bet he gets a second opinion? ;)
Dear Bob,
Rob's idea sounds like a good plan B. Keep it in mind.
LA
//Man-up and start running, you spineless twerp.//
Leslie, I like Mustang a lot and I know you do too. But honestly, if you let him influence you, you may get into trouble.
Turn back now. Don't say I didn't warn you.
One of these days, I'll tell you what he did to me years ago in Tijuana. If that don't break you, there's always more.
//Also, AC, Greg, and Eric may be interested in trading information for cash.//
Wedge-driving bastard.
I'm always up for a good story...and convincing...
extortion...etc. Tell away :D
I really could be on the border between you two.
Dear Bob,
Have you ever thought about a significant change in your lifestyle ? How about an exciting outdoor job, for example ?
There are great international positions for the taking, even better than being the guardian of that godforsaken island in the Pacific, recently touted by the press as the “best job in the world”.
One of the more lucrative positions now being offered is “dynamic wealth transfer operative” (DWTO). Current openings are in Somalia, along the coast. More and more DWTOs are rushing to join start ups, even as you read this letter. Profits are divided up among participating personnel.
The international community has even implemented a job training program to help both newbie and experienced DWTOs ! This is the newly revealed “catch and release training scheme”. Briefly stated, when DWTOs are captured while working, they are freed. This enables them to acquire valuable data and experience, so that they can immediately be better DWTOs. They can learn for themselves the truth of that old Western maxim “practice makes perfect”.
You really should think about it, Bob. You and your family will just love the sea, sand and surf in your local village headquarters, located right on the beach. No income taxes need be paid; you’ll simply have to slip a small fee to the village elder(s). Think of it as a business license. It's a small price to pay for being in the forefront of this traditional activity (once called "piracy") reworked and revamped for the twenty-first century.
Take a serious look at this - you won't regret it !
Best,
L’Amerloque
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