Based on a true story.
My cellphone rings one evening recently, while working on a post.
LA: Hello.
Mustang: Hey buddy, how's it going?
LA: Hey, what's up?
M: I am glad you asked that, because I have been thinking and I wanna run something by you, something I have have really been thinking about. Now just hear me out, okay?
LA: Okay.
M: Now like I said, just hear me out because there's a lot to this and I want you to get the entire picture of what I want to try and sell, er....uh, I mean I want to persuade you to....well not really persuade either, but here's the thing......
LA: Alright, out with it.
M: I am glad you are showing some interest in this. Okay. You have a daughter right?
LA: Yes.
M: Well you see I have been thinking.....
LA: Okay Mustang, you have said this already. Let's have it. Out with it.
M: I was wondering.... since your daughter isn't married, and neither is my 38 year old son....What I mean to say is....How about we fix them up? What better way for us to become closer....in fact, we would be family. What do you say?
LA: What does you son say about all of this, have you even asked him?
M: No problem... he'll do what I say. I tell him what to do. He'll listen to me.
LA: Well.....okay...but there's this problem. You don't know my daughter very well. She has an independent streak just like her mother (the ex- Mrs Sunsett) and I doubt she would like it very well if she knew I trying to fix her up with someone. In fact....if there is someone I didn't want her to marry, the best way to put the kibosh on something like that would be to suggest that I think someone is a nice guy. She's guaranteed to run, if she thinks I think this is a good idea. You know?
M: But...but...
LA: Now wait a minute, before you start your stammering and stuttering tap dance, just listen to me a second. There is a great distance between them. Your son lives down in Florida with you and my daughter lives here in Indy, not with me but still...I mean there is no way for them get to know each other if they are so far apart.
M: I can have him there first thing in the morning. What time can you pick him up at the airport?
LA: Stop. Wait. Time out here....what the hell....?
M: Now I know what you are thinking, LA. But think of this....we will be family.
LA: I know. You said that already. Do you hear what you are saying right now?
M: Yes. Yes I do. Like I said I can have him on a plane to Indy within a few hours and if you want, I will even give him taxi money to your house, so you won't even have to go to the airport.
LA: (Big Sigh) You are not getting this, are you? I just can't....
M: (Moves head away from phone to speak to someone in the distance) Honey..... he's not buying any of this.
(Garbled Female Voice In Background)
M: Now you have done it. She's mad at me, because I promised her that you would be a stand up guy and help facilitate this. You came down here, ate our food, slept in our spare bedroom, used our electricity, and breathed our air. You little ungrateful bastard, I hope you get a rash.
(Click...Dial tone)
I look at the clock.
Yes. It's way past suppertime, when sundowners kicks in.
Next Morning.
Phone rings.
LA: Hello
Mustang (Like nothing ever happened): Hey buddy, did you see my post today?
LA: No. It just so happens I am at the computer right now, let me check it out.
I click into Social Sense. This was the post.
8 comments:
What we have here . . . is a failure to communicate. Mr. Sunset incessantly complained to me after the enormous bailout plan for corporations and the so-called stimulus package, and he equated this to the never-ending drain on his financial resources that relates to a certain offspring. I understood his frustrations, and I thought he was making a good analogy between the two. Unlike Sunset and Øbama, however, I had a solution.
The Mustang Group prides itself on solving problems, not making them worse; so the offer discussed in this post, a copy of which has been forwarded to the Federal Communications Commission and the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, was a well-thought-out sche…er, idea to help Sunset Enterprises cut their losses. Remember, for each dollar spent on an offspring, there is one less dollar for Sunset to plan for his retirement, which Sunset claims involves moving to the Sunshine State.
With that as a backdrop, I did in fact offer an arranged marriage between his offspring and mine, and I did offer to spend money out of my own pocket to relocate said offspring. As indicated in this post, Sunset refused the offer out of hand; I don’t want to hear any more bellyaching from Sunset about any drains on his resources. And yes, the Mustang Group does believe that Sunset is an ungrateful bastard. With that said, we don’t think he can help it. It is simply that he lacks southern charm and hospitality.
In the meantime, the offer rejected by Sunset is still available to other interested parties who have a greater capacity for recognizing viable long-term solutions. Just send leave a note here with your grid-coordinates, and I can have the colt transported to your location within five days.
Hey uh... I got a twenty two year old daughter... um... I'm kinda scared she is never gonna move out.
You pay for her to go to college, and I'll talk her into marrying your son. She can be kinda stubborn, like her mother, but if your son plays in an emo band, then he's a sure winner.
//In the meantime, the offer rejected by Sunset is still available to other interested parties who have a greater capacity for recognizing viable long-term solutions. Just send leave a note here with your grid-coordinates, and I can have the colt transported to your location within five days.//
WARNING!!!!
If you find a large box with airholes on your porch, one with UPS stickers on it and alternative rock music playing inside of it, DO NOT OPEN IT. Send it back to the original sender.
//You pay for her to go to college, and I'll talk her into marrying your son.//
Cheap bastards rarely pay for anything unless there is an angle in it for them. Never forget that.
Geeeez. You think you know someone. Where's all this venom coming from, LA? Didn't I pull your inebriated butt out of a burning dempsey dumpster? Didn't I lie to the Department of Homeland Security when you tried to illegally import those Pakistanis? Didn't I make your alimony payments for over five years?
I can't begin to describe the disappointment. This has been a sad, sad day.
Mustang, the best possible solution might be for you to pay for Darth Rob's daughter's schooling. You need not tell him that said daughter will NEVER move out and in fact will have new hubby (your son) move in with her. Seems like a huge net savings for you. The best part is that if she gets preggers soon enough, you may even get out of most of the college costs.
AA: Are you an attorney? If so, can I retain you on a permanent basis?
Oh my... I need to go find a cloth so I can wipe off the coffee I just powerwashed my monitor with!!!
I have a niece that is a great kid, has dealt with her fair share of problems in life, but sadly, she voted for Obama. Where I think arranged marriages seem to work well for my Asian friends (and given my failure count to date, of 3 marriages followed by divorce!), I even think I should have let my Mom and Dad pick my husband for me... but... my niece could never be a good candidate due to the fact she is quite unfortunately deluded by liberalism. Sigh... I was thinking there might be hope for my sister! But we can't have liberals hooking up and reproducing! Am I ever glad that I never had a daughter. With my record, it would be disasterous!!!
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