Learning From Tragedy

Like everyone else, I am shocked and stunned at the shootings that just occurred on two separate continents. Maybe not as much as people who live in those communities, but certainly more than those that have never been to either area.

You see, I was stationed not far from both shootings. I used to know both areas pretty well at one time, many years ago. So in a sense, I feel a certain kinship to those people who are grieving. I am sure they are desperately trying to cope with these tragedies. And in whatever way they possibly can, they are trying to make some small shred of sense from what is one of the most senseless acts, imaginable.

It's easy for me to sit here and say things about these incidents. One of my kids wasn't killed, so I have no real experience at what the families must be going through right now. It wasn't my kid who pulled the trigger, so I cannot even imagine what is going on in the heads of those who survive these gunmen. So, take my words for what they are worth, as, I am no expert in these matters.

But I am a parent who has raised children. Neither of them have been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and both have greatly contributed to the graying of what was once a full set of brown hair. I thank my God daily that they have never been capable of doing anything like this, nor did they ever witness or experience it. And I think it should definitely go without saying, I am doubly thankful they were never the victim of such a tragedy.

The first knee-jerk reaction will be to blame the parents of the gunmen. I think it can be a starting place to look for answers, but in the Alabama case the mother is dead. If she in any way contributed to the mental anguish (or did not), we may never know because she has paid the ultimate price with the other victims. The case in Germany may be different, but who can actually say at this point?

Neither of these kids (I know the Alabama man was 27, but at my age, he's still a kid) showed any signs of being capable of such heinous acts. At least that's the early report. Both gunmen were described as quiet and reserved. I know many quiet and shy people, this alone is not a sign that someone will snap like this. When someone is not able to express their thoughts in a setting that is non-judgmental and non-threatening, who knows what they are thinking? As a result, how does one find a red flag in this kind of case?

Many times over the years, I have tried to encourage my children to verbally express themselves. Sometimes they did, other times they didn't. But if not, I always left the door open if they changed their minds. So if there is any one thing that a parent can do, it's listen. Sure, we lecture. That's what parents do. Mine did it, I did it, and I am sure my kids will do it when it is their turn. But we also have to listen. Or they will get very good at shutting us out. As a result, they will not listen to us.

The second knee-jerk reaction will be for anti-gun advocates to cry out for stricter gun laws. In Europe, this will certainly be a major rallying cry and already has been in the hours since the tragedy occurred. To which I still say, the guns did not kill anyone. They did not just start firing on their own. Someone had to load them, aim them, and fire them. Those that are capable of this kind of thing will only find other ways to carry out the deed.

So when struggling to understand the incomprehensible, it is important to note something. We must try to understand, what made these kids want to believe this was a viable option in whatever turmoil they were experiencing. What caused them to snap? If we can learn something from this, we may be able to recognize something in the future. We might just be able to recognize the same things in others, who may have the capability of doing something like this. As time passes, we may learn more valuable information that may help us prevent something like this in the future.

But for right now, we know the best prevention is for parents to do their jobs, and one of those jobs is to listen to their children. It doesn't mean they have to give in on anything, on which they are not inclined to do so. It doesn't mean they have to ignore their better judgment. It means they listen to what the kids are saying and then, they teach them how to develop independent problem-solving skills.

Right now, there are too many parents that are not doing their jobs. While their kids may never snap like this, many will make other poor decisions down the road, as a result of the parents not taking the time to listen and teach proper coping skills. And unfortunately, many of those poor decisions may have a lasting effect on some other innocent person.