Saturday, October 04, 2008

Ask LA

Not only do we get mail asking for advice on relationships and professional quandaries, with the current credit crunch, we are now seeing a marked increase in letters asking for sound financial counsel.

Here is one we received recently:

Dear LA,

My husband an I have two small pre-school children, have a combined income of $ 45,000 annually, and a mortgage of $1500 per month. We are living in a home that we paid $350,000 for, in 2006.

On our loan contract, it is clearly stated that our payment would be $1000 per month, but that it could go up after two years. Nowhere did it say that it would go up. This is so unfair.

In addition, our credit cards (6) are currently maxed out, two have a balance of $5,000, two at $7,500, and two at $10,000. I am beginning to think we have bitten off more than we can chew and there is no way we will ever dig out of this mess. I am also beginning to think there is no hope and we will be in debt forever.

I cannot face my friends anymore and am so embarrassed. What can we do?


Buried In Debt


Dear Buried,

First of all, you must take a deep breath and relax. There is always hope.

Here are some options at your disposal, it's as easy as A-B-C:

A. If you are Hispanic you can contact La Raza. If you are Black, you can contact ACORN. Either of these fine organizations can pressure the greedy white-owned racist banks to lay off of you.

B. You can write some bad checks for your house payments. This will buy you and your hubby some more time to live in a house that was far out of your income range and you never should have bought, to start with.

C. If none of this is successful, immediately purchase a new houseboat and van.

When you have exhausted all appeals in the process and are a week away from the "final notice to vacate" date, move all of your furniture into storage. (Remember to take the dishwasher, stove, and refrigerator that came with your house, and do not forget to take a sledge hammer to the walls of the house as you leave, to show those evil rich bankers a thing or two.)


You, then, can put the houseboat in Florida and park the van down by the river. Consider this an upgrade in lifestyle, because at that point in time, you can tell people you have a winter home in Florida and a summer home where you live now. That way, you'll be the envy of all your friends.

Best of luck to you,


LA



13 comments:

Z said...

utterly brilliant, LA Sunsett! BRILLIANT!

You had me going till I saw $45K combined income and a $350K home! But, then I thought "well, in this market, that COULD have happened!!"

Very good one...thanks.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir:

I appreciate the public service you provide by your sterling advice . . . and ordinarily your advice is quite complete. This time, however, you failed to address those of us who belong to other groups. For example, you didn’t mention anything about Asians, South Pacific Islanders, Eskimos, Chinese Communists, Norwegian-Somali, Muslim extremists, or elves who are locked in to the labor intensive North Pole without the benefit of a union. No where do you mention Japanese, Korean, Russians, or former football players acquitted of murder in the first degree. Finally, and I think even worse, you didn’t tell us which agencies could provide the best perks if we happen to be black-hispanic. And uh . . . what about white people, huh?

I hope you will correct this deficiency, because honestly, I feel a lawsuit coming on . . .

Sincerely yours,

Bobby Lee Chang-Mogadishu

L'Amerloque said...

Hello LAS !


Amerloque has received a message from a European , who wants to help Buried. He was unable to identify the sender (wide grin)

(Disclaimer: note than Amerloque obviously does not advocate any of the cashraisers descibed below.)

Best,
Amerloque


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


Dear Buried ---


In case you’re wondering, here iare a few tips from Europe to raise some ready cash :


1) Before your’re credit rating is zapped forevermore , do purchase that houseboat and van, and make sure they’re in a venue that offers perks, such as food stamps. Then move in to one or the other, leaving your house intact. Rent out the house, with a nice fat deposit up front. You’re best bet is to rent to an ethnic group or nationality that strongly believes in the family. In that way the renter can sublet out a room or two (or even the garden shed and/or the garage) to his/her family members. Since you know s/he is going to do that, you can charge a higher rent from scratch. Make sure that the renting family has plenty of members who are illegal aliens. The main renter will cough up the rent on time, every time, since you’ll be holding a timely tipoff to the immigration authorities over his/her head. Let ICE work for you – you’re paying for it.


2) Before buying that van, arrange a rear-end collision in the vehicle you have. Claim whiplash. Make it clear to the insurance company that you’re willing to settle. (Don’t be stupid enough to play basketball or soccer while the case is being considered !).


3) After you’ve settled the whiplash case, use some of that fresh cash to buy a recent vehicle. Insure it well. Then torch it, or drive it into a river or lake (obviously you should not be behind the wheel when doing this !). Claim insurance. If you play your cards well, you can probably insure with two or more companies, thus doubling or trebling your payoffs, especially if you uuse different identities.


4) Sing up with a cellphone company that offers a "free" phone. Then "lose" it right away, and sell it unused on eBay. You can also do this when renewing your cellphone contract - phones are frequently "given free", and you can sell them on eBay, too. If you’re clever, and use several screen identities, you can sell the same phone several times to gullible eBayers. Take payment in money order only and, of course, do not use the same address for different indentities.


5) Go over to a car rental agency in a medium-sized city and rent the newest and best car you can before your credit cards are zapped Make sure you have an identical parts car ready (available at the junkyard or even on your neighbor’s driveway or lawn, since your neighborhood is probably going to the dogs, anyway). Rent from Friday noon to Monday morning. That gives you enough time to pull the engine and trans, replacing them with the used engine and trans from the parts car. Ditto for the tires and wheels. If the interior is leather, go for it. Leave the CD player, though, it will help the insurance company identify the car after you’ve torched it early Monday morning. Don’t mess with the plates, but note doiwn the numbers/letters. You can then resell the number to someone who will make up fake plates and papers and use them, since the car will not be reported as stolen, but burned (which is why you should not dump it in a lake or canal, right ?). Just think, you’ll able to sell the almost-new engine, trans, wheels (try for mag !) and tires, as well as a nice leather interior, with that new car fragrance.


I hope this helps you out !


Regards,
Buried in Europe

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

LASunsett said...

Dear Z,

Thank you for the kind words you have imparted, as you always have a way of doing. However I must say that I sense some skepticism on your part, concerning the validity of this letter received.

Here at PYY, my staff of one has worked incredibly hard at building a reputation of fine citizen journalism, accurate reporting, honest opinion, and giving sound advice to those people who have no where else to turn.

When Hamas was clearly despondent over its perceived undermining by a good friend Syria, they turned to Ask LA and we desperately tried to not let them down. Here is a follow-up letter that received from them (which I was reluctant to publish, just to inflate my own ego further than it already is):

Dear LA,

Thanks and Allah be praised. You are a life-saver.

We sent Mr. Yousef to thank you personally. He text messaged us and said you were going out to teach him to play paint ball, but we have not heard from him since.

But we are sure he's fine though, we figure he's busy, out somewhere, looking for targets...er.. I mean, sightseeing with his camera.

But anyway, thanks for helping to restore my faith in my brothers in jihad.

Sincerely,

Hamas


Does that sound like I am making this up? Does it sound like I am dripping with sarcasm like Mustang is often wont to do, when he is angry about idiots in government?

I think not.

So, Z, Now that you have seen real altruism in action. I beg of you. Join me in this fight to help those less fortunate than us. Help me save the world from poverty and poor decisions that come from the lack of education that poverty begets. Help us all to rise up and become a truly equal society, where no one wants for anything, needs for anything, and has everything that the greedy white racist majority has.

Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you share my thoughts on all of these things, I am going to blogroll you first chance I get.

Sincerely,

LA

;)

LASunsett said...

Dear Bobby,

How silly of me to forget the Asian and Arab demographics.

For Asians, AREAA is at your disposal. I am not sure if they are quite as effective as La Raza or ACORN in getting the banks to back off of foreclosure, or not. But you can try. I did get this link off of the Freddie Mac website, so it must be legit.

For Muslim extremists, I recommend CAIR. They seem to have a good rapport and are willing to fight for the rights of people that hate our guts and want to destroy everything we stand for. Why not trust them for issues of foreclosure?

As for the rest of the groups you mention, I am forwarding this communication to one of my advisers for further research, Mr. Wong Hung Lo.

Again thanks for pointing this obvious oversight out to me and my staff here at Ask LA. We try to serve all people with the same compassion and care we would, anyone else.

Sincerely,

LA

LASunsett said...

Dear Amerloque,

This guy is brilliant. I need to have him on our staff immediately.

Tell him we offer a competitive salary, great benefits with insurance through AIG, and an option for a 401K plan that uses some great plans from Merrill Lynch.

In addition, we offer a free off-shore bank account in the Cayman Islands. Depending on the laws in France, he could receive his salary tax-free.

Please forward this offer to him immediately, as I will be anxious to tender him a generous offer.

Sincerely,

LA

Z said...

Dear LA, I've understood now and am slightly embarrassed by my naivitee...forgive me.

And, while you are at it, please help that Norwegian Somali, we went to school together in Caracas and he's not a bad sort. Also, and more importantly, I only now learned here that there are 'elves who are locked in to the labor intensive North Pole without the benefit of a union.'

Could I ask you to please arrange their release soon? Christmas is coming, and I don't mind that they're laboring intensively on toys and other gifts, but not having the benefit of a union is unconscienable. You let them out right NOW or I will have to send Santa after you, riding on Rudolph, whose red nose really does glow in the dark. YOu can tell a Communist reindeer for miles around. You can bet HE has a union.

By the way, LA, please tell Amerloque that I'm the NUT who wrote him an email out of the clear blue sky. Remind him that it has nothing at all to do with helping Buried!!

Let me know when you get the elves out and I will blogroll YOU, too! merci beaucoup!

Very sincerely,

Z

LASunsett said...

//I only now learned here that there are 'elves who are locked in to the labor intensive North Pole without the benefit of a union.'

Could I ask you to please arrange their release soon? //


Dear Z,

I have to say, we were close to a deal. But now that Russia has claimed the North Pole and the vast deposits of oil underneath it, there is this sticky legal question as to whether North Pole union laws apply, or those in Russia.

I'll keep you posted.

Thank you for your interest.

LA

Jennifer said...

I saw your comments on another blog and figured I would stop in to check out your blog and say hi! So.....HI! This was an awesome post...I have to admit you had me going too! I've added you to my blogroll and will be back often.

LASunsett said...

Jennifer,

Welcome. Feel free to jump in the mix anytime.

Mustang said...

LA, another great summary for you. Tom’s Place has a great summary of the bail out bill. So tell me, why do we need Congress, again?

LASunsett said...

//Sec. 512. Mental health parity.//

What the hell???

Fairness in Mental health???

I want to laugh, really I do. But I can't, because the tears are getting in the way.

Z said...

Dear LA,

In regard to the elves, please consult Sarah Palin. She lives close enough to Russia to see it and I'm sure she can help.
She's smart, quick, and feisty, she'll straighten this mess out.
You have until December 24 to release those elves, you know. I believe they are part of the delivery union and Santa needs them.

In anticipation of your cooperation, I have blogrolled you already.

Do NOT let me down.

Stronger letter to follow,

Z :-)