Hi. I am LA Sunsett. Many know me as, LA.
Once upon a time, there was a blogger named Nickie Goomba, who sadly passed away awhile back. He had an occasional segment called Ask Maria (his wife), where she would give advice to readers that needed help solving some difficult problems they faced.
Nickie is gone, the blog is gone, and to the best of my knowledge, Maria is not helping people anymore. So, to fill the terrible void, I am stepping up to the plate, offering my services to people desperately need help with some of the problems they face in the world today.
Here is the very first installment of Ask LA:
Dear LA,
I am so hurt and confused and do not know what I should do. I feel so betrayed by those that I have felt close to for a long time. They say one thing to my face and when my back is turned, they stick a knife in it. They tell me how they support me in my daily struggles, yet when my back is turned, they openly subvert my causes by befriending those that are my enemies.
Just the other day my friend Syria led me to believe they thought a meeting in Annapolis was not going to benefit me and wanted no part of it. But, again, when my back is turned and least expected it, I saw their delegation on the news disembarking from an airplane at Andrews AFB. The news people said that they had not been expected to attend, but surprised everyone by showing up anyway.
Please help me, LA. I am at my wit's end. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Hamas
Dear Hamas,
It's tough when friends do this to you and believe me, I know how you must be hurting over this. But you must understand that this is not your fault. You are the victim and you need to act like it.
The first thing you must do is, lob a few rockets into Israel and try to kill some innocent people. Everyone knows that Israel and the imperialist United States are purposely trying to alienate your friend Syria from you.
When that is done, you might want to execute a few people from the Fatah organization, as they are working against you too. They are conspiring with Israel and the U.S. to hurt you. Issuing some strongly worded threats might not hurt, either.
But whatever you do, do not look inward towards yourself to find the answers. Like I said, none of this is your fault. You have the perfect right to blame all of your hardships on Israel and the U.S., as they are infidels and rats. You have the right to do whatever makes you happy and damn those that have taken issue with your feelings, your suicide bombings, and your deliberate killings of innocent people (to include children).
This within itself, will not be enough to complete the healing process. But it is a good start. Seek professional help as soon as you can, I recommend a good Iranian therapist.
Best of luck,
LA
10 comments:
LA:
I don't usually do this type of thing - write to someone I've never met to help me with my personal problems - but desperate times call for desperate measures.
See, my friend/protector/bankroller has told me I have to attend this party outside Washington. He has invited my biggest enemy and told me the purpose of the party is to make nice with each other. I figured the most mature response would be agree to go (since I have no choice), but refuse to shake the other party's hand. I can't seriously be asked to shake a jew's hand, can I? I mean, what will everyone back home think? It's bad enough we have to tolerate the existence of these people. What's next - treating women as human beings?
Anyway, now people are coming down on me way hard b/c I won't touch the spawn of pigs and dogs.
Any advice?
Barbarically yours,
Dear LA,
I also don't make a habit of doing this, but desperate times call for desperate actions. You see, up to a point this year I was riding high. I managed to get away with assassinating two enemies in broad daylight; helped facilitate an unprovoked war against my neighbor nation; and was helping prevent my other neighbor from getting back on its feet.
All the while the US politicians kept flowing to my door, even that funny little guy with strange ears who believes in the space infidels.
Then everything came crashing down.
Suddenly my neighbor, who knew more than I knew he knew, took out my illegal weapons site in the desert without me hardly knowing. One minute I was talking with the little guy with funny ears, the next my secret site was a smoldering ruins. We couldn't even pull trigger on the swine aircraft.
It's hard to put tail between leg and admit to being weak. Please help me cope with this upcoming meeting.
Sincerely, Bashar
er, I meant,
Sincerely,
"anonymous".
;-)
For miny tousand years now, my peepel have been rasing sand flees and eting camil dung. Den, Saudis s’covered oil under san flees and camil dung. Good for them, bad for us. I say to Syria and hamas—go to hell. What about us Yemenis. Lots of dung, no oil. Allah be praised.
Dear Saudi Arabia,
My advice to you would be to build a few more opulent palaces that will remain unused and purchase a few more airbuses from France, to soothe your pain.
Best of luck to you,
LA
Dear Bashir (er, I mean anonymouse),
When all of the trauma is absorbed from your meeting, I recommend you renew old ties with some old friends that truly care about you. Russia would be a good start, they hate swine and imperialists as much as you do. They would never make you like someone that did this terrible deed to you. You can trust them, they will always have your best interests at heart.
Best to you and yours,
LA
P.S. Since Lebanon has distanced herself from you lately, maybe you could sponsor some terrorism in Jordan, by starting a Hezbollah chapter there.
Dear Anonymous from Yemen,
What? No oil in Yemen?
Sorry, but I think you are all dung out of luck.
Sincerely,
LA
Dear Bashir (er, sorry, I mean anonymouse),
As an afterthought to my previous bit of advice, I recommend you see if your little friend with the funny ears will send you a couple of cases of the expensive French cognac. Normally, I do not recommend using alcohol as a coping mechanism. But I hear the little puke buys it by the skid.
Best,
LA
Dear Mr. La:
You will undoubtedly recognize that unlike some who rite here, I am an excellently educated person. I am from Pakistan, where I work at as customer service for one of your many computer companies. I am the one you speak to when you are too stupid to know technical, yes? Am an also a devoted Moslem, so of course I hate you with all my being, but that is only to be understood. It is nothing of personal, yes?
I have heard that Mohammed Omar, who is a high ranking Taliban official has issued a fatwa against everyone in your America. And in Canda too. It is his plan to reduce the supply of convenience store owners and you economy shall be crippled, may Allah will it so. We Moslems also intend to send you less . . . how is it you call them? Ah yes, Taxi drivers. And if we cannot win you in that way, we who serve Allah as customer person with Dell and Sprint will begin telling you wrong things.
So you are now warned. Submit to Allah, and be saved. It is also true that I want to come to the great Satan in America and open my own store. Even though all your women are sluts, I can come to yoru country and make money, yes? But I need a sponsor. Perhaps you will sponsor me, yes? I will give you a lot of money in the future, but I will still hate you, which is only to be understood. You can leave your home address and telephone number here in this place and I can call you soon. So I thank you for your willingness to help me come to your wicked and evil county.
You can call me Mr. Yousef for now.
Dear Mr. Yousef,
Sure, sounds like fun. I live in Hades Alabama. You can write me at PO Box 666. When you get here, we'll celebrate with a good old fashioned hog roast. I will then show you my gun collection and signed autographed poster of Bear Bryant.
After we have had out fill of pork, we'll go out deep into the woods, where no one ever goes and I will teach you to play paintball. After all of this fine hospitality and the paintball game, I doubt you'll hate me or my fellow Americans anymore.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
LA
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